That has been our verse for the past year. God has done IMMEASURABLY MORE than either of us could have ever imagined. One year ago we began our Utah adventure - IMMEASURABLY MORE. We didn't know it at the time, but God was lining up the pieces for even bigger adventures to come! In November, Inspire Magazine was born and that adventure began - IMMEASURABLY MORE. Now we are about to embark on the adventure of having TWINS - IMMEASURABLY MORE!! We are BEYOND thankful and blessed.
We have reached the summit. We are looking at the horizon, our hearts filled with gratitude, as we stand in awe of God's beauty. That is my description of today. But to get to the top of a mountain, a LOT of trust and perseverance are required.
Our "hike" began in December of 2010 when Brad and I decided we were ready to start a family. We thought "we're young and healthy, I'm sure it will happen right away!" One month goes by, and another, and another, etc... Around the 9 month mark I started to lose hope and was very discouraged. To some, a few months might not seem like a long time, but when you're going through it, the length of time doesn't really matter. When your heart is ready for a baby, the monthly disppointment hits you at your core.
Brad and I both went to see doctors to have everything checked out. We were both healthy, there was no medical reason I wasn't getting pregnant. Not ready to dive into the world of infertility, we prayed and waited.
Then in January of 2012... a faint positive sign appeared! While Brad was at work that day, I painted signs and hung them in our living room that spelled out "we're having a baby!!" We were SO happy! We had so much fun telling our close family and friends about our wonderful news, and thanked them for praying for us!
About 7.5 weeks into the pregnancy the unthinkable happened, I had a miscarriage. It was the most devistating thing I've ever been through. I was a wreck. I had zero control over my emotions, which was something I had never experienced before. For 24 hours I did nothing but cry and pray. It was as if God had disappeared. He was no where to be found. I found no comfort in praying or in reading my bible. He was silent. After 24 hours of God's silence I stopped praying, and starting yelling. I yelled at God for abandoning me when I needed Him the most. I yelled at him for taking this child away from us. I yelled at him for breaking our hearts. Then I stopped talking to him all together.
In the days that followed we found comfort in one another. Brad was amazing. If you were to ask me at that time what I needed, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. But some how Brad knew. He said and did exactly what I needed, at the exact time I needed it. I felt closer to him than I ever had before.
A friend of mine who had been through the same thing told me, "If you feel like staring at a wall, then stare at a wall." It was the advice I needed. We took a break from life. We packed up the dog, and put our dirty laundry in garbage bags and headed to my parents house. We needed love, support, and a change of scenery. It was the perfect place to be.
Besides the obvious emotions of sadness, fear, and anger - I felt overwhelmed. The idea of going to the grocery store overwhelmed me. The idea of writing an email overwhelmed me. Just about anything really... overwhelmed me.
A couple weeks after we got home, I asked a friend of mine if I could come over for coffee. She knew about everything we'd been through, and her house was a "safe place" to go. We sat on her couch and I told her about God being absent and about how mad I was. She asked if we could try talking to Him together. I hesitantly said yes. We held hands, closed our eyes, and she started to pray. She was saying EVERYTHING I needed to hear... that God hadn't abandoned me that He's been by my side the whole time, that He knows about all of my tears, and that He is so sad, but He has a greater plan for our life. I knew in that moment that God had been speaking to me THROUGH the people in my life - Brad, friends, and family. That was a form of communication I had not experienced yet. God hadn't abandonded me, He was comforting me through the hugs and tears of other people. Very slowly the sadness began to fade, and we were able to get back to our lives.
Fast forward to Spring 2013. I started taking a fertility medicine called Clomid. It was inexpensive, with few side effects, so we felt comfortable starting there. There was one side effect that caught our attention - 6% chance of multiples. I've always wanted twins, but since they don't run in our families I never thought it was a possibility. I was STOKED!! Brad thought, "it's only 6% what are the chances?!" Haha...
This time a positive sign appeared immediately on the stick!! I felt sick early on, so I took that as an encouraging sign. Since I had taken Clomid, we had an early ultrasound done at 8 weeks. The doctor said "Well I see TWO babies!" I held Brad's hand so tight, and hoped that he wouldn't fall over. Brad said later that walking to the appointment, he just had a feeling that there were two. Tears of JOY...
Yesterday we had our 12 week ultrasound. We've been anxiously waiting for this day to be here so we could see our babies again. 2 strong heart beats, perfect sizes, 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 healthy babies. Oh be still by heart. We watched them wiggle around in pure amazement. Baby A (I think a boy) was moving and dancing, "he" was even waving his arm like "he" was saying "Hey mom and dad!!". Baby B (I think a girl) was taking a nap until "brother" was getting all of the attention, then "she" decided to start moving around as well. They are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
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We will find out their genders on October 28th, two days after my birthday. What a special birthday gift. Two boys, two girls, one of each - we don't care. God already knows their names, what color their hair is going to be, the amazing plans He has in store for them, and everything in between. That's all that matters. We are just thrilled to be their mama and daddy.
It would take a years worth of blog posts to tell you about everything God has taught us over the past 32 months. We are different people than we were in December of 2011. We have a much closer relationship with God. We have a much closer relationship with each other. Those two things are worth all of the struggle and heartbreak we went through. I wouldn't change a thing.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
If you are going through infertility, our prayers are with you. It is not an easy journey. We pray for comfort and hope. If you have a loved one going through infertility, here is an excellent blog post I read a few months back, written by an incredibly brave woman.
